Its over.

Not life in general, but the part of mine in which I can go to my dad with really dumb questions, like, "where did you put my w-4s?" or why Did you want to keep every tractor that you've ever owned... in the yard where everyone can see them?... fortunately I got an answer to the first question, unfortunately I will never know the answer to the second.

He finally let go today at 6:30pm. And honestly, he's more popular than I ever would have thought. All the nurses really liked him, and several of them were crying when they found out he wasn't going to make it. I think I'm almost out of tears, but not quite. I think I can muster a few more while writing this.

My mom isn't handling it well at all. She might be better tomarrow, when the effects of severe sleep deprivation are lessened, or she might be worse, because when you're extremely tired, a chocolate milk shake does seem to fix some of your problems. I guess I'll find out tomarrow.

I have the best boyfriend in the world. He's now asleep on my couch because he wouldn't let either of us drive home from the hospital, so he can't get to his car until tomarrow. He's been there for me and my mom for the past several days, pretty much as soon as I found out it was hopeless for my dad. I don't think I've gone a night without him since Sunday, which doesn't seem to be all that long, but it is when you realize that he's a new daddy (and a damn good one at that) and spends most of his free time with his baby but has been coming over to my house after putting her down for the night so that I wouldn't be here alone.

I should sleep. Tomarrow is going to be awfully hard.

So, I guess its been a really long time since I've had time to post, and now its about the only thing I can think of to do that will keep me from losing my mind.
The last post was inconsequential. Nothing really changes. Catlyn (Matt's baby) is doing really well. And it didn't make any real difference on our relationship, so I guess thats going well.
But.

I'm sitting in the basement library of the hospital waiting for my dad to die. There isn't anything anyone can do for him, besides make sure he's comfortable and clean. He's been here for more than three weeks, and up until Saturday, we thought he was going to be fine. He had 2/3rds of his liver removed because of cancer. And while he was recovering from that, because the liver regenerates, it wasn't functioning. I guess he's the only one who really knew how bad it was, but when the doctors found out on Saturday, they kind of gave him permission to give up. He's been in a coma since 9pm on Sunday. Its deeper now. And whats weird is its not the liver thats going to kill him. Its his lungs. They're filling up with fluid, and when they're full, he'll go. So now we're just waiting.

Mom won't leave the room. She hasn't been home in five days. The nurses felt sorry for her last night, so they let her take a shower in an empty room down the hall. She keeps kicking me out though, because she feels like she's protecting me from something if I'm not in there. So I get to go home and feel helpless there... and call his family that he's not talked to in several months. That was fun.

You know, there is nothing that causes fear in a person than from hearing from your brothers child, who you haven't seen in about 10 years calling for him. I said goodbye yesterday, and the day before, because they didn't expect him to make it through either night.

I don't know what to do.

I had better go back to the room.

Mom's going to try to make me go to my Anthropology class tonight... I don't think thats going to happen.