What have I learned today... and this past two years for that matter?
Nothing matters. You can live a completely clean and healthy life (not eating a whole lot of red meat, not drinking, not overindulging on sugar or anything else, excercising daily, etc) and you're still going to get cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. I'm thinking that I might take up smoking and become an alcoholic, because then I'll at least deserve to get all of these wonderful things, rather than just be sentanced to them because of my parentage.

Reason for the rant: it appears that my dad is going onto his second bout of cancer. The first was colon cancer and this one appears to be located in his liver. I've never heard of liver cancer before, or even the possibility of it. Not that my dad needs his liver all that much... he has a drink of wine every.......... two or three years, and tonight was supposed to be that one time for this year... but no more. Its insane.

I should be really happy that they've caught whatever this is really early. They still don't know what they've caught, that'll involve lots more painful and debilitating tests. Then probably another round of chemo. At least this time I'm here to get in everyone's way and for the general population to pity. whoooo. Oh, and my favorite, to be talked to like a 9 year old when the diagnosis are explained to me by my mom. The only reason I know anything about what the next round of tests is, is because I walked in from getting groceries when my dad was explaining it to my mom.

I guess I really am made of porceline and should be kept in a plastic bubble. At least then I wouldn't have a clue about what was going on in the outside world and it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be expected to live very long.

Growing up I was (and mostly still am) the perpetual Peter Pan. I Won't Grow UP!.... but this has created some sort of problems for me. I really don't want to grow up and as such, don't have the capacity to look out for myself. I can't hold on to a job for very long, because I just get bored with it. I don't want to continue to do the same things over and over, but I can't find anything that I enjoy at all.
I've been in school for so long that I don't want to give that up. I haven't graduated, even though I've been in college for 5+ years. and I can't even settle on major anymore. I was a technical theater major for a very long time, but with my move to a different school, I've had to give that up. So for now I'm a theater major (have to take the acting crap) but I want to have a job (teaching tech theater to third graders) and can't take any classes that are offered from the theater dept. So I'm adding a major. History.

Do I want to teach highschool history? I don't know. Will I be able to get my teaching certificate? Don't know that either.
Am I staying in Kansas simply because I really like the person I'm dating and don't want to leave him? Too scary to really think about.
Why am I still stuck in this weird rut letting my parents take care of me, even though I'm 23 and should be able to do it myself? If I could answer that I would have most of this problem worked out.

ACK! I don't know what to do, but I have to make $2500 + to pay off my credit card debts, plus cell phone bills and other things... then I have to start to make enough money to afford and apartment and food and all that stuff. I have no idea how I intend to do that.

Why is it that relating to people is so hard? They are, afterall, basically the same amalgamation of little bits of matter. But each amalgamation sees whats going on around them in such different ways that its basically like trying to have an intelligent conversation with a goldfish. No one can see what the others are seeing, or can come to an agreement that while we're both looking at a tube of chapstick, that it will not definately turn into something dangerous.

Now all that was a silly way of talking about how differently people see relationships. Who gets to decide who is in and who is not in a relationship? Do both people have to agree that it is, indeed, over and there is no reason to try to continue before the relationship is in fact over? I remember that the character George faced this problem on Seinfeld once. He tried to break up with the girl he was seeing (or possibly engaged to) and she said she'd think about it. This was laughed at by the general population, but I'm seeing that it is a definate reality for lots of people in society.

Then you add into the mix the problem that children are created but the parents don't like eachother, or rather, maybe one parent loves the other and won't go along with the fact that the other parent is only in the general vicinity of the other because of the child.

One more layer of crap to this is: yes divorce is hard on children, but what happens when not only were the parents never married, but they broke up before the child was out of the first trimester.

Sadly, I already know what my reaction to this situation would be, but I wish there were other ways to react than yelling at the parent that doesn't want to be in the relationship that they should still sleep together, even though they can barely stand talking to eachother on the phone, because it will increase the mother/father bond and make them better parents. I just DON'T get it.

And somehow, I know that by being the significant other of the parent that no longer wants to be in the relationship, I'm going to make something harder for someone..... but who that is and whether or not its worth it has yet been seen.

And I'm completely aware that this is probably not the best venue to talk out my issues with it, because someone might not want others to "know her business" god forbid that the other person involved think they had anything to do with it.